That’s probably why Jeff made me do it.

 

He likes to make me do things, because he doesn’t like paying me.

 

I don’t think he likes looking at me either, to be honest.

 

Well, fuck him, my contract is iron-clad. He couldn’t run me off if he wanted to, and right now it’s not like the “Champ” has the kind of free time to be dealing with the likes of little ol’ me anyhow. Not with the likes of Justin Voss, Python, the Blood Diamonds and now the reformed and reaffirmed Team Danger (ZOMG TEEM DANGAR~!) breathing down his “untouchable” little neck.

 

Don’t let me get ahead of myself, though. As a matter of fact, I’d like to shock the wrestling journalistic universe here for a second and give credit where credit is due. Jeff Andrews did take the train wreck of a situation that Elijah Goldman left us in and he turned it around pretty quickly. We went from papering houses during that ridiculous tournament of his to having to have venues release extra seating to keep up with the demand for tickets. Of course he did it with a brand he didn’t build and a roster he didn’t hire, but kudos to the guy for getting us on Pay-Per-View and kudos to his mom and the rest of the Untouchables for keeping that twenty pounds of gold wrapped up tight around his waist.

 

Here’s the thing, though:

 

The Untouchables are starting to show signs of wear.

 

Heidi is off her fucking rocker.  She’s by FAR the most tolerable of the Untouchables, and to be honest she kind of gives me more of a boner than usual when she’s getting her hate on, but she’s so out of control she’s turning into a liability.

 

Kai Scott is so busy trying to remember how to be relevant that he can barely find the time to remember he doesn’t need that crutch anymore. Yeah, he’s brilliant.  We fucking get it.  Sooner or later he’s gonna have to take a singles match, is all I’m saying.

 

And Ronnie Long? Well, he’s a big lump of fuck. Fuck Ronnie Long.

 

That three-quarters of the Untouchables just got through losing the World Trios Tag Team Titles to a very talented and deserving Alceo Dentari and two goons he plucked out of a Godfather marathon at the local cineplex. So what does that say about Jeff Andrews and his leadership prowess now? Where was Jeff while the Yoo-Tees were losing? Getting his ass kicked in the crowd by none other than My Own Close Personal Friend Stephen Greer, that’s where, which is precisely where a Ring General does not want to find himself!

 

And now there’s the Pay-Per-View. Team Danger versus The Untouchables. The World Title is on the line. A future title shot for Christian Light is on the line. Hell, pride is on the line because one thing I can tell you for sure is that these six men and two women can’t fucking stand each other. I’ve already been in the ear of the Head DEFref, Benny Doyle, and I know for a fact that he’s planning on playing the rules fast and loose in this one just like he did last week when a rusty Steve Greer goddamnnear won the World Title on sheer guts, determination, and crazy.

 

Anyway, as much as I enjoy predicting the soon-coming and inevitable downfall of The Untouchables at the hands of T34M DANJAR, there are other matches on the card.

 

About the FIST of Defiance match:  I like Claira St. Sure.  I know, I like a “face” unironically, but she just goes out to the ring and does her thing and no goody-two-shoes bullshit and no posturing either, she’s okay. She’s at a tactical disadvantage with Kai Scott gone from her corner, but Diane Parker has done a fair job of filling his shoes. Either way, the kid’s got spunk.

 

But:  

 

Dan Ryan is going to put her out like a cigarette.

 

Because, seriously, the thing that’s taken her this far is that she’s a thinking man’s wrestler. First with the backing of Kai Scott, and recently with the help of Diane Parker, Claira has always had a plan going into a match, as she no-doubt will at Untouchable. The difference is, Dan Ryan has almost two decades of experience over Claira, and he’s been at the top echelon of the sport for the entirety of that time. Think about it this way, Claira put away every single person in front of her until she came up on a brick wall named Christian Light. Now, Chris is a top tier guy anywhere and everywhere on the planet. Dan Ryan put Christian Light away in under fifteen minutes. Go ahead, check the math...

 

It’s the Pythagorean Theorem, folks, look it up.

 

Next order of business? Cancer Jiles is going to mash Ed White’s face with a COOLtanium-laced Mongo Chop heard ROUND THE WORLD. That is all.

 

And then there’s the Trios Title Match pitting the Mike Sloan Xperience against Alceo Dentari and The Family. Curtis Penn’s got something up his butt because Mike Sloan decided to retire.  Hey, I’m sure if he wants to challenge Heidi to a match for revenge, she’ll give it to him.  But until then he’s supposed to be leading the team, and instead he’s trying to treat Luke Windham like a youngboy, and now they’ve got Tyson fucking Burke as peacekeeper.  This won’t last.  Either Windham’s gonna get mad and assface Penn, or they’ll screw up during a match and the team will implode.  As far as their opponents go, Alceo is a world class piece of shit who almost brought DEFIANCE to it’s knees by siding with Elijah Goldman and the Evolution League, but he’s smart, and he’s effective. Now I’m not saying that I title change couldn’t happen here, but I am saying that I wouldn’t bet the farm on it, capiche?

 

Next up is the “Original Defiant” Bronson Box taking on Justin “Don’t Call Me J. Leslie” Voss with a shot at the FIST of DEFIANCE title on the line. Now, this has got Match of the Night written all over it, and here’s why: Justin Voss does not like Bronson Box, and as evidenced by their first encounter a few weeks ago, he’s got zero compunctions with meeting Box head on in a slug-fest of epic proportions! And you know us, we could care less about that flippy-do nonsense around these parks, we give out star-ratings based on amount of broken teeth and quarts of blood lost. One thing is for sure, the winner of this is going to take on (the winner of Claira St. Sure vs) Dan Ryan sometime in the future, and that is a match that I can’t wait to see.

 

Last but not least, opening up the Pee-Pee-Vee is a match for the long dormant Jimmy Kort Memorial Championship...

 

I mean the Southern Heritage Championship.

 

You know what I meant.

 

Now, I could spend an hour running down the participants of this match, but to be honest I don’t think anybody’s taking this one seriously outside of Python, Chance Von Crank, Tucker Alston, and Sam Turner, Jr. I will say that this belt is tailor-made for guys like CVC and/or STJ, but I don’t know if either of them or Tucker or any of the six or seven other people in this match have the experience or the slinkiness of Python, who’s been pretty much all business since making his return to DEFIANCE last week on DTV. So, that puts the target squarely on his back, and understanding battle royals the way that I do, it means that somebody completely out of the blue will probably win this thing. Gun to my head I pick Lash Graham because he’s batshit crazy.

 

Well folks, that’s the rundown.

 

I may not have the inside scoops like I did before Jeffro took over, but I’ve got eyes and they connect biologically to a brain that works. I call’s ‘em like I see’s ‘em, folks, and now you know how i see ‘em. Think I’m wrong? Blow me. Think I’m right? I take donations via Paypal. Whatever you do, make sure you plonk down your hard earned thirty quid on our very first PPV, the aptly title UNTOUCHABLE! Until then, you go eat a bowl of poop, bitch!